Tongues

The tongue.  It’s a powerful muscle that we have in our bodies.  It helps us chew, swallow, speak, and I am sure many other things.  However I keep thinking about its ability to help us speak.  I wonder if we all really understand the power that words have?  There are so many words that can be spoken in so many languages…but do we really think about the words as they leave our tongues?  Words can be used to build up and tear down.  Not only words can do these things…tone can as well.  How many times have we said “Really?” to something?  It’s not a bad word.  It’s not a word that, in and of itself, would tear someone down.  However the tone behind it can say oh so much more than the word itself.  The tone can take such a simple word and turn it into ugliness. 

I am writing this because as I have shared I am working with a therapist and this was something that was part of my work this last week.  Words.  Throughout my life there are things that have been spoken to me that became truth.  They weren’t truth when they were spoken, but eventually they did become reality.  It is almost as though we speak them into reality.  Does that make sense?  In digging into myself to get to the roots of some of my issues, I discovered that a lot of them are originated in words that were spoken over me.  Some loving, some not so much!  Beyond the words however was the tone.  I have certain phrases in my mind that are like the soundtrack of parts of my life…and it isn’t always the actual phrases but how those words were spoken. 

I write this here today to remind not only anyone reading but also myself that words and tone can hurt more than a slap across the face.  It’s been my prayer for  some time, but even more so this past week, that my words would bring life to those I speak with.  I want my children to know life-giving words.  They aren’t perfect, not one bit but that’s a different blog subject, but I want my teaching the right way to be with gentle, loving words of correction.  I pray that my tone is easy and not harsh.  I don’t want to leave scars in their minds of negativity.  I want the very best for them in any and every way.  Lord…give me a sweet song!

Until next time…

44 and Counting

 

2 mo. post surgery

2 mo. post surgery

 

Hello everyone!  Today is my two month anniversary since surgery and so far the journey has been great.  As I have said before, the recovery was text-book and I thank God every day for that.  I have friends who had such trouble afterwards so I know I am lucky to have healed and recovered well.  My re-learning the whole eating and food stuff is an interesting ride.  I still have managed to NOT have any issues with dumping, but have learned that greasy of any kind does not work for me.  I haven’t eaten a lot of that, but one of my old favorites was oven fried chicken…a recipe from my cousin Sheila.  I made it recently and dutifully pealed the skin off before eating the chicken breast inside but after only a few bites into the meal I realized there was something wrong.  I didn’t eat much and unfortunately what I did eat made a reappearance shortly after.  Sorry to be graphic, but if you have read this at all in the past you will know that I am trying to keep it real for anyone who may be considering the surgery.  I don’t want it to all be sugar-coated.  So all that to say that of course being me I had to try fried one more time…so I went to my favorite fish recipe.  Actually it really isn’t a recipe, it’s just the way I was taught by Grandma and my mom to make fish which is to dredge it in flour, sprinkle salt and pepper and fry the heck out of it!  Tasted great going down but again within 15 minutes I was in the bathroom.  Yes, that time I learned my lesson and fried foods are off the repertoire!!

I went to my first appointment with the nutritionist since surgery.  I love her!  I enjoy seeing her as she is so wise with ideas for meals as well as an amazing cheerleader (and we all know I have a soft spot for cheerleaders!).  She does this cool body test with these mini jumper cable looking things.  It tells her all kinds of information about water content in my body as well as how much real fat and muscle/bone that I have as well as other stuff I don’t get.  So, so far I have lost two pounds of true fat to every one pound of lean muscle.  A 2:1 ratio is right on track for where I am in post surgery, so I was happy to hear that.  I don’t see her again until May, but by then they want to see a 3:1 ratio.  I can see how that would be right because by then you are losing and therefore feeling better which hopefully leads to more movement which leads to more fat loss.  Are you still with me?  Well, it was a great appointment.  I learned that since surgery day I have lost 44 lbs!  In two months! 

To celebrate I went shopping!  I decided a long time ago that during the losing process I would only go shopping at the many thrift stores we have here in Bend.  I really hate the idea of spending money on clothes that will only last about a month if I am lucky.  Emily came along because 1) she loves to go with me anywhere and 2) I value her opinion as to whether something looks ok or not.  We started at the Humane Society thrift store where I found a pair of jeans and a top.  I gotta tell ya…the jeans were a size 16…yep you read that right folks…size 16!  I haven’t worn that size since after having Katie which was almost 17 years ago!  To say I was excited is putting it rather mildly.  Also, my shirts are XL people!  That isn’t 1X in the big girl section either…XL in the regular section.  I am so excited to reach my goal so I can go shop in Portland and really do some damage!

I have also continued to see the counselor that I have told you about in earlier posts.  It’s been very revealing and I am loving that I am learning some things about my past as well as myself which explains some of the hiding behind the adipose tissue.  I am not blaming anyone except myself for getting big…but as anyone who is big knows there are deep-seated reasons that lead us to this place.  My goal is to uncover all of this and finally deal with it and not try to stuff it down and hide from it.  I am sure it will lead to some uncomfortable conversations with people down the road, but I am getting stronger daily and I know I will be ready when that time comes.  One of the things I feel that I can share openly is that I need to get some really ugly self talk out of my head.  For those of you who don’t know what self talk is…it’s the stuff we say to ourselves about ourselves.  It’s very private and because of just that can be very ugly.  I have learned that we just can’t say that we want to stop thinking that way because the opposite happens.  In order to really change our thinking we need to replace it with positive thinking.  So I have a new mantra that I can be found saying out loud in some funny places but it’s “I am a healthy, attractive, deserving woman of God”.  By doing that I am slowly replacing the ugly talk I would say about myself and therefore healing.  That’s just one thing I have learned out of the many, but it was one that I think a lot of people but especially women need to learn.  We are our own worst enemies ladies and we really need to change that about ourselves.  Okay…off my soapbox!

Well these are just a few things that have happened in my life lately.  How are all of you?  Leave a message bringing me up to speed!  I will look forward to reading about all of you

Until next time…

New Year New Me

Hi all…

It’s been two weeks since I have posted and I apologize for that…with the holidays things got a bit busy and time got away from me.  I hope that everyone’s holidays were blessed and filled with laughter.  We at the Rice Bowl had a great two weeks together.  We laughed a lot and got out to do some fun stuff as well.  My oldest boy R turned 15 and got his driving permit.  I just want to know how that happens??  Wasn’t he just born a year ago or so?  Time has gone so quickly.

So the pictures above are pictures that have been posted before but I wanted to put them side by side to really see if there was a difference.  I KNOW there is a difference because I can feel it, but wanted to see if it was visible yet.  The picture in blue and white was the night before surgery and the brown outfit was 1 month post op.  Today finds me was and 3 days post op and at a loss of 38 lbs and down 3 sizes in clothes!  I am at what was the lowest size that my closet holds so I figure in another week or two I will get to go shopping for the first time!  It’s a great feeling I tell ya.  Which brings me to the point of this blog today for anyone out there besides friends and family that might read this…don’t buy new clothes on the way down.  You don’t want to spend a lot on things that are only going to last a month or so at the most; at least I don’t!  I plan to do some shopping at the local Goodwill and some of the other donation places to just get me through.  Nothing that a good run through the washing machine at home can’t fix!

Food is interesting now as well.  I was released by my doctor to eat ‘real food’.  This is all a re-learning experience let me tell ya people.  I am still at a point that I cannot eat a few things like beef, flour tortillas, as well as others.  However, knowing that there are still foods that aren’t working so well.  I have never been a huge chicken fan unless is was extra crispy from the darn Colonel himself, but chicken is becoming my best friend!  Why you ask?  Well, it’s the easiest meat to chew to a mush texture before swallowing.  However the other night I had made an oven fried chicken for the family and dutifully peeled off the skin to start eating my piece.  Within eating a few bites my pouch hurt.  I thought it was because I had eaten too fast and  had air trapped.  I waited for the burp to come but it never did.  Turns out…my pouch didn’t like that kind of chicken!  Who knew?  So it’s small things like that which keep me on my toes these days.  I have also learned that I need to add a fourth small meal in mid afternoon.  If I don’t, then I have a hard time meeting my quota of protein for the day.  I also learned what hunger feels like again on rare occasion.  If I get to that point then we as humans tend to eat to quickly hence the trapped air/burping thing I was talking about above.  I was told by my doc that I could eat these particular protein bars from Costco so I hauled myself out there the other day after work and got some to try.  Now my preconceived notion was that these were going to taste like just plain ickiness.  However, having been several months now without any real sugary anything to eat…this ickiness turned out to be a slice of Heaven itself!  I felt as if I had been given a big ol’ candy bar to gobble up.  It was a chocolate peanut butter which I have to say is my all time favorite combo of candy.  You know the one…comes wrapped in orange with brown writing!  Oh Glory Day was that protein bar yummy and the best part?  It’s good for me!  Woo Hoo

So, speaking of protein…doctor says she wants me at 80 grams a day.  Now that is the amount of an 11 oz steak.  I know y’all are giggling out there at that however when you consider that I can only consume about 4 oz per meal at this point you can begin to see the predicament.  Not only do I need to eat that much but I also need to get some veggies in as well and water.  Don’t get me started on water.  Really it’s fluids in general, but minimum of 64 oz people.  Now all of you with a normal tummy can just pick up a glass and guzzle it down…not here folks.  I need to sip or that painful trapped air/burp thing happens!  (gotta say here that it really isn’t lady-like around here much anymore)  So, now imagine trying to drink all that water in little sips.  Oh and the other rule is no water 15 minutes before you eat and nothing after for at least 30…seriously cuts down on drinking available time!!

Truly, life is good…I am saying all this in jest but it’s truth.  I think more about my food intake now that I have my entire life!  I working on getting to my numbers and I found a good way to “protein-ize” my foods as well…protein powder!  It’s helping.  I am really excited about the new me and I can’t wait to take pictures again on the 24th of this month to show you my progress.  I just want to say thank you to all who have offered encouragement whether in the form of comments or prayer or both!  I can feel it all around me and it’s made all the difference in the world.  Happy New Year everyone!

Until next time…

Christmas Blessings

Hey all I hope you are all having a very Merry Christmas!  We at the Rice house have had a morning filled with laughter and joy as we have exchanged gifts and begun the task of trying on clothes and opening toys.  It’s been a great holiday so far with a relaxing afternoon to come.

Several have asked for updated pictures so here they are.  These were taken just yesterday which was exactly one month post op.  I believe the amount lost so far is about 30 lbs in a month.  I feel great and the eating is going well with the mushy foods.  I have learned there are some things that just don’t puree well but it’s all a live and learn experience!  I have been fortunate to not have had anything that didn’t agree with me or to have something that I shouldn’t have had which would cause dumping syndrome.  All and all I am happy with the progress!  Sorry about the sport bra pictures…I had just come in from working out and so that explains the lack of cute hair and makeup

As far as other things going…there are still lots of mental adjustments going on.  It’s all good but I have begun seeing a counselor to just help with the adjustments and figuring some things out.  I am sure there will be some hard work ahead but I am glad to FINALLY get myself together at the ripe old age of almost 46!  I was just surprised that something like a surgery would kick into action so many other changes. 

My workout plans are working as well.  I am getting back to using some weights as well as ratcheting up the cardio on the treadmill.  I just found out that the mini triathlon in August has set dates of the 14th & 15th!  I am looking forward to finishing…not asking for miracles…just finishing will be a miracle in and of itself! 

Well…this isn’t a very insightful post I guess compared to others but my name is being called to help with some kind of electronic snafu.  Blessed Holidays to you all

Until next time…

Life is good & so am I

Hey all…,it’s been a while and I apologize.  I am not sure you are aware but there is a major holiday looming and besides healing I have been busy preparing for that.  I don’t think my children would accept the excuse of healing…so my wonderful husband would bundle me up and cart me around, dropping me at the doors so I could get in a motorized cart and toodle around the stores.  He would walk behind and dutifully pick up all the things that I knocked off the racks without muttering a word.  Ok…I got carried away there.  He muttered all right…real loud several times!  We both had many laughs during our adventures and I am sure I heard my mom, Mary, giggling in my ear and saying “See…it isn’t as easy as you thought is it?” several times.  All gifts have been purchased.  Things that needed to be mailed are gone.  Cards are done and leaving my hands this morning.  All that is left is wrapping and baking which I love to do and will get started tomorrow.  Thanks to my new Mistletoe candle my house smells like Christmas and I am really getting in the mood!

My journey thus far has been exciting and eye-opening.  I know I last wrote about my conversation with Bre.  To bring you all up to date here goes…I have made and had my first appointment with my Christian counselor lady and I LOVE her.  There are some things that I will be working on, but I don’t think it’s quite as bad as I had thought.  I don’t mean to say that it won’t be hard, maybe even gut-wrenching, at times because it will I am sure.  But I am very excited to start this part of my self discovery journey!

Physically…things are going well!  I think my healing has been right on target.  My ugly bruise is still there but now mostly yellows and greens with only small hints of pinks and purples.  Sorry if some of you are eating your breakfast while reading this!  All my steristrips have come off and the wounds have healed well.  I can finally sleep on both sides!  Praise the Lord!  I am still sore in the belly…don’t get me wrong!  There were some major upheavals in that area and I am sure it will be a bit before that is over, but it’s nothing that is keeping me from getting to do what I need to do.  I am just doing things in shorter bursts.  I would say that the area that is irritating me the most actually is my back up between my shoulder blades.  I am not sure if it’s just residuals of anesthesia, or the fact that my core is pretty weak right now so it’s doing a lot of the work, but man it aches!

Best news of all…I went yesterday for my three-week check up with Dr. Archer and I can eat mushy foods!  Woo Hoo!!  Now for those of you who don’t know…mushy foods are basically baby food.  Not very exciting to most, but heavenly to someone who has had to drink every meal for the last 21 days!  I can puree any type of protein that I want except beef right now and have it.  There are a couple of things that I don’t have to puree as well, scrambled eggs, yogurt, cottage cheese, tuna fish or egg salad.  I came home from that appointment and made myself a scrambled egg…can I just say it was the best dadgum egg I have ever eaten in my life?!  I couldn’t even eat the whole egg…too funny for me who used to down three along with bacon, sausage and toast!!  In order to feel as though my portion was proportioned to my dish, I have purchased a couple of very small pretty dishes and three baby spoons!  I have to be mindful of very small bites so the baby spoon works great.  Needless to say, the spoons made for much discussion and many giggles at the table last night.  The other good news of the appointment was that I was able to get my “official” weight and could see what they charted for weight loss.  In 23 days I have lost 22.5 lbs!  I am ten or so pounds away from being the lightest I have been in almost 17 years.  I had a fashion show the other night with the clothes that I haven’t worn in quite a while.  The saying is…if they fit on the way up, they will fit on the way down!  Will help my budget if I can wear some of this stuff on my way down I tell ya.  I was giddy with the fact that my hind end actually fit in some of the pants!  My favorite pair of white denim capris slid right up without a hitch!  They are a bit tight in the tummy, but that won’t be too long before it doesn’t hurt to button.  Might be snowing here in Central Oregon, but by golly I will be wearing those darn pants!!

So, there you have it folks…quick update.  I am getting to the gym these days 4-5 times a week and was just given the green light to up my workouts to whatever feels good which means I will start my weights and a bit of core training although NOT sit ups at this point.  Can’t wait   Gotta get busy training for the mini marathon with my friends in August!

Until next time…

How Big Is This Onion?

So when I began this bypass journey it was a totally different thing than what it has become!  I thought I was beginning a journey about just losing a lot of excess weight that I have carried for about 16 years and then things would be better.  Hahaha…that’s funny!  What it really has become is a journey of removing the weight to find myself again.  That sounds so heavy ( no pun intended) and I am not usually a heavy or deep person.  However, it’s true. 

I laid in bed last Thursday night thinking that it had been a day or two since I had blogged so therefore should do a post the next day.  As I was drifting off to sleep I was mulling over what I might write about.  I decided that I needed to really try to write about the seed that really started my weight gain to begin with, which led me down several rabbit trails of thought.  I realized that while I have fought with my weight for a very long time, the serious pounds really didn’t start until I was married.  I am NOT blaming my husband, so don’t think that is where this is headed!  However, I did marry another foodie.  We both LOVE food and trying new places etc.  Our relationship has been based on dinners out as our way of dating.  When you both love food it’s hard to back away from the table!

I also was thinking of the day before.  Wednesday had been John’s day off.  He took me to my doctor appointment and dutifully brought me home again and then went about his day.  His day off was nothing out of the ordinary for him.  He does all of our laundry for me.  (I know…eat your hearts out girls)  Most days when this occurs I am at work and don’t see what he does on his day off; I only see the rewards.  Boy do I appreciate the rewards of his work   However, to be home and observe all this I had several different reactions which made me more contemplative than usual as I tried to fall asleep.  I realized that all day as he went about doing his thing I was uncomfortable.  Why is that?  The more I thought the more I realized that I was feeling really really guilty!  I got up and helped fold clothes at the table so I didn’t have to bend down to the basket and tried to help with lunch etc.  He would remind me that he was fine and I needed to rest so go sit down.  But I was so uncomfortable I couldn’t relax!  So why is that?  Why did I feel weird about him doing things he does every week without a thought?  I fell asleep thinking of it without having an answer knowing that my friend Bre was coming the next day because she felt called to come pray for healing for me and I was looking forward to seeing her.

Friday morning came and the kids were sent off to school and I waited for Bre to arrive.  Now Bre is an amazing woman of God AND  a mental health worker.  In my book that means she wears an extra special set of angel wings because I COULD NOT do her job ever!!  So here is where it gets interesting folks!  Bre came in and we chatted about the Ducks/Beavers game the night before which was one of THE best football games I have seen in a while by the way.  I mentioned that I wanted her opinion on a new prescription that I was switching to and new she would have a few answers I was looking for.  As we talked about that I explained my uneasiness about watching John work on his day off and finished it with, “so Bre what’s up with that?  I ask for help for the kids, for dinners from friends for the family while I heal but just watching him do his thing made me feel so uneasy that I really just wanted to cry?  Why is that do you think?” 

Her response almost knocked my on my fanny.

“Is really simple Tami, you don’t feel you’re worthy of asking for help for yourself.”  Then she added, “Oh by the way God told me I was hear for healing, but not just your belly.  He said it was much deeper than that.”

Holy Moly!  Those sentences turned into two hours of free therapy from one of the best gals out there.  It really is truth.  I need to find the core of what started my feeling as though I am not worthy.  I don’t believe that I am good enough.  I am telling ya people..this journey has changed me SO much!  I feel that I am an onion right now and I just keep peeling layer upon layer off.  I NEVER intended this all to take place for Pete’s sake…I just wanted to lose some dang weight! 

So, now I am seeking an appointment with a wonderful gal that has worked with some people I know.  I am hoping to get to the roots of deception that were planted in my heart about myself so that I can break those things and be liberated from them.  I am scared and excited at the same time.  I know there is hard word ahead, but I am so done with the status quo.  I could never quite put my finger on what was wrong…I knew it was something but it took 5 minutes for someone with experience to point it out!  So this has thrown a new curve into the mix of my recovery/self-exploration.  Stay tuned…you never know what I am going to be throwing your way!

Until next time…

A Little Pizza This & A Little Pizza That

Hey all…I think I need to explain a couple of things today.  I have just assumed that people have the same amount of knowledge on this procedure and that isn’t the case.  I apologize for not being clearer.  So, first of all…as I talk about drinking water and sipping.  I have had several well meaning people ask about straws.  Straws are great, and up until this surgery, they were my best friends because they kept the ice off my mouth and the drink from spilling down the front of my shirt!  However, with bypass surgery straws are now forbidden.  The reason is because if you go to suck up the liquid you first have to suck all the air that is already in the straw!  When you are talking about filling a new pouch that is only about 2 oz. big you want to get as much fluid as possible and as little air.  I never thought about air being in the straw! I am telling you…the things I have learned.

Today has again been a good day.  Still dealing with this darn bruise but have managed to have four protein shakes as well as my water.  Yes, I am still using the timer for the water.  It’s working like a champ although there are times I want to throw it through the wall   Hmmm temper issues…hmmm something else to consider at some point I guess!  This morning I was cooking a quick pizza crust for my girlfriend Chrissie to pick up in order to make Katie’s dinner tonight.  For those of you that don’t know, my oldest girl Katie has Celiac Disease which in the most basic was to describe is an alergy to gluten.  So, Chrissie and her husband Terry have THE best pizza place in Bend OR called Olde Towne Pizza Co. and they generously were supplying dinner tonight for my family.  Well, I only had to put this crust in the oven for 5 minutes which was no big deal.  It was done, I took it out and set it on the counter to cool.  A teeny tiny piece broke off and landed on the counter.  I am talking a piece the size of a grain of rice…ok maybe two grains at most…and without even thinking about a single thing I picked it up and popped it in my mouth!!  OMG!!  I bit down two times and realized what I had done, stumbled to the sink, spit it out, swished my mouth with LOTS  of water and realized that I hadn’t swallowed anything.  I tell ya people…this whole switching of my behavior is wayyyyy worse than the surgery itself.  I truly didn’t even THINK, not one bit.  It was so small that I don’t think it would have done any damage but I am so thankful that I caught myself in time.

Hardest meal to sit through with my family bar none so far was tonight.  Pizza…the absolute perfect food as far as I am concerned.  Bread, meat and veggies all together in perfect bliss.  MMMMM good!  If any of you that are local haven’t visited my friends the Parker’s please do so ASAP and for those of you that live out of town, if you are ever over this way make sure to hit them up immediately upon arrival

Well, tomorrow is first visit after surgery for wound check and hydration check.  I will update you all then!

Until next time…

Six Days Postpartum…um I mean since surgery

So today I am six days in to my new life and just like any other newborn I can’t seem to get the schedule figured out!  I have alarms going off all over the house to remind myself to drink water, drink protein shakes, take medicines etc…it’s really very funny.  The weekend has been tough but today is better.  I let myself get a bit dehydrated and by yesterday it was not a good thing.  Thankfully I figured out the problem and also discovered that I have a gizmo in my cell phone that allows me to set an alarm for every 10 minutes.  For all of you that know me, this will not come as a surprise…technology baffles me!  I am sure the phone does many more cool things that I don’t know about as well but for now this one is my new favorite as it rings to remind me to drink 2 oz. of water.  Most of you are thinking why right about now…admit it…it’s ok.  I have absolutely no desire to eat or drink…no hunger.  Thirst a little more, but I need to get used to the fact that I can’t just pick up a glass of water, fill it and drink it down.  If I were to do that, oh my goodness…icky things could happen.  So being the oh so undainty woman who I am I have to sip my water a little at a time!  Even typing that made me chuckle.

I also have an alarm set to remind me to drink my protein shakes every 3 hours or so.  I began to get a bit creative today and added a bit of real banana that was then run through the blender so well there isn’t a hint of a “bite” in it.  Yummy though.  I texted John to tell him of my newest discovery and the reply was no where near as excited as I thought it might be!

Still dealing with pain in the belly…however incisions are beginning to itch a bit which is a sign that they are healing!  Yeah me!!  Baby steps   The most pain is coming from a bruise the size of Rhode Island at my belly button and below.  This thing is taking on new dimensions in color the likes of which I have never seen before.  I did call the doctor today just to be sure that it’s normal to have bruising (which it is) but this baby is crazy!  Thought about adding a picture of it because words don’t do it justice, but it is extremely unappealing and decided to forego putting you all through the unpleasantness of it!  Just mark my words that as it begins to heal I will be feeling much better!  I am thinking of naming it.  Emily thought Eggo…as in let go my eggo because it can’t be touched…not sure. 

Well just wanted to give a quick review of the past couple of days.  Thanks again for all the prayers, well wishes and thoughts…I can feel them all.

Until next time…

Happy Turkey Day!

So I am out of the hospital now.  I stayed the extra day as I just wasn’t ready to come home.  It was just what I needed and I came home this morning about 10.  I am pretty groggy still so this won’t be too long.  I just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to my family, friends and the other people that I don’t know but might be readying this! 

I am sore, but no more than I imagined.  I need to walk but it’s cold outside so I just keep doing laps around my first floor!  I am pretty sure that Miss Gracie (my beloved dog) thinks I finally have gone over the edge.  She just keeps watching me as if to say “Mama,why are you doing that?”  Getting plenty of fluids and have had a bit of jello and a popsicle.  Both I found were too sweet.  Never thought you would hear me say that huh?

The other thing that shocked me was that while my Katie was making the sweet potatoes to take to her Aunt’s house I wanted to lick the spoon!  I had not a stitch of hunger but it just sounded good!  Duh..hello?  That is exactly what got me into this state!  Needless to say I didn’t taste anything but it was a very quick reminder that I will be battling “head hunger vs real hunger” and I am sure that has only just begun!

Well folks that is all I got today!  Hope you all are safe and enjoying your holiday with whatever traditions you follow!

Until next time…

Night Before the Rest of My Life

So, it’s the night before surgery.  My check list is completed except for this blog entry, which will be completed shortly so I feel successful already!  House has been decorated for Christmas, grocery shopping is finished, saw the movie New Moon with Katie, toenails are freshly painted and I have shaved my legs…come on gals…you know how important it is to go into the hospital with shaved legs and pretty toes…admit it!

I am filled with anticipation.  The last time I remember feeling this way was the night before going in to give birth to Daniel.  Tomorrow is my new birthday.  I want to remember every moment of this experience because it’s my rebirth.  This afternoon I had Emily take my before pictures.  The last week or so as I have been making my list I have been talking about doing this.  Planning what I would wear, where we would take the pictures etc.  I wanted the background to be the same for all the pictures after as well.  Through all the planning I never gave much thought to how I would actually feel about taking these pictures.  I had decided that I would take pictures both in my regular clothes and a sports bra and yoga pants.  I mean if it’s good enough for the Biggest Loser gals in front of all of American then why not me?  I called Emily home from the neighbor’s house to do it quickly.  She was a trooper and came right home.  I posed, she snapped.  After each one, I would check to see if it was what I was looking for.  We started with the regular clothes.  Front view…not so pretty but ok.  Side view almost had me in tears.  When was the last time I really looked in a mirror?  Honestly looked?  I can tell you that it’s been quite awhile.  I didn’t want to upset her, so I smiled more and she snapped away.  Finally we decided that we had the two regular shots.  Now time to go upstairs and change.  Shame, humiliation and embarrassment followed my every step to the second floor.  How?  When?  Those were the two thoughts that kept going through my head the whole way up the staircase.  I changed my clothes and came back down.  Emily was patiently waiting. 

“Are you ok Mom?” she asked.

“Yep…let’s do it.”  I replied

“Are you sure?  Your eyes aren’t the same.”

“Honey, I am fine”, I said, “let’s just get this done so I can get it posted.” 

I could feel my eyes were a bit watery.  I had to remind myself of two things…1) don’t let Emily see me like this because she is already my Nervous Nelly and it won’t do a thing to help her and 2) focus on the prize!  I am the prize.  Me and I am worth it!!  So we finished the photos and I was ok.  I survived THE most humiliating experience of my life.  Having photos taken where I could not hide behind the kids for the shot, or only do my face etc.  You get the picture.  I grew up in front of a camera with my Grandpa and I loved posing while he snapped away…even into my teens I loved it.  It was our special time.  Somewhere along the way I learned to hide behind the camera instead of in front of it.  There was no hiding today.  So posted here are the pictures of my night before surgery.  In the future you will see pictures of my progress.  And progress there will be.

I am surprised at my reaction to the camera.  I really thought that I was ok with it.  It suddenly hit me that it wasn’t the camera that I was having a problem with, it’s the fact that there are a lot of people who I don’t see often that are going to view this and that’s embarrassing.  To go from being the curvy cheerleader in high school to the lumpy mom I have become and put it out there for God and everyone to see is a bit more than my brain can wrap around right now.  I am not putting that in here to get everyone to respond about how beautiful I am…I thank you all…I put it in here only to remind myself of where I am but more so of where I am headed.  I am headed up!  To the better and healthier me! 

So all, just found out that the surgery is scheduled for 12:15 tomorrow November 24.  I can’t wait to do it and I can’t wait to tell you all about it!

Until next time…